Chemists like a good joke as much as the next person. They even get a chuckle out of puns. Here is a list of chemistry jokes suitable for even non-chemists to give a laugh, or at least grin and groan.
Post your best chemistry joke in the comments section. Please keep them at least PG-13. My Mom reads this stuff.
Old chemists
Old chemists don’t die, they just stop reacting.
If they die anyway…
Q: What do you do with a dead chemist?
A: Barium
Advanced version of the same joke
Q: Why do chemists call helium, curium and barium the medical elements?
A: Because if you can’t helium or curium, you barium!
Why chemists are useful problem solvers
Q: Why should you go to a chemist for your problems?
A: Because they have all the solutions.
Ion Riddle
Q: What did one charged atom say to the other?
A: I’ve got my ion you.
Cheap Chemists
Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
A: They are cheaper than day rates.
Not Cheap Chemists
When my wealthy aunt died, I got all the antimony!
Trust issues
Q: Why can’t you believe anything atoms say?
A: They make up everything.
Organic Chemistry
Organic chemistry is difficult. It causes alkynes of problems.
More Organic Chemistry
Vital Lesson Learned
The chemistry teacher asked his class what the most important thing the learned in the lab. One student pipes up “Never lick the spoon!”
Another vital lesson learned
Q: How can you tell the chemist in the restroom?
A: He washes his hands BEFORE he goes.
Mole Joke #1
Q: What can you make with 6.023 x 1023 avocados?
A: Guacamole
Mole Joke #2
Q: Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he left the singles bar?
A: He got Avogadro’s number!
Are you sure?
Two atoms are walking down the street.
One atom says to the other, “Hey! I think I lost an electron!”
The other asks, “Are you sure??”
“Yes, I’m positive!”
Chemistry Poetry
Poor Willie worked in chem lab. Poor Willie is no more. For what he thought was H2O was H2SO4!
Chemistry Philosophy
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
More Chemistry Philosophy
The optimist sees the glass as half full. The pessimist sees the glass as half empty. The chemist sees the glass as completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the gaseous state.
Chemistry Dentistry
Q: What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
A: A one molar solution.
Low Energy Meat
Q: Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
A: Because it’s in the ground state.
“I am the one that speeds!”
Heisenberg is out for a drive when he’s stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says: ” Do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg replies: “No, but I know where I am”.
Cowboy Chemistry
Q: What do cowboy chemists say to their horses?
A: HIO Ag!
Drinking Advice
Q: Why should you go drinking with neutrons?
A: Wherever they go, there’s no charge.
Coffee Formula
Q: What is the molecular formula for coffee?
A: CoFe2
Banana Formula
Q: What is the molecular formula for banana?
A: BaNa2
pH Teacher
Q: Why do chemistry teachers like to teach about ammonia?
A: It’s pretty basic stuff.
Animal Chemistry
Q: What animal is made up of calcium, nickel and neon?
A: A CaNiNe
Sodium Joke
Do you know any good sodium jokes?
Na.
You should, they’re sodium funny!
Peroxide Joke
Two chemists enter a bar. The first orders H2O. The second says “I’ll take H2O too!” and died shortly after.
Peroxide Joke #2
Q: What is H2SO4?
A: It’s FOR drinking, bathing, washing, swimming and mixing with scotch.
Element Symbol Joke
I asked the guy next to me if he had any sodium hypobromite. He said NaBrO.
Chemistry Alphabet
Q: What is HIJKLMNO?
A: H2O.
Fish Chemistry
Q: What kind of fish has two sodium atoms?
A: 2Na.
Bad Clowns
Q: What do you call a clown in prison?
A: Silicon
Bear Chemistry
Q: Why did the white bear dissolve in water?
A: Because it was a polar bear.
Water Chemistry
Q: What is CH2O?
A: Seawater
Ice Water Chemistry
Q: If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
A: (H2O)3.
Noble Groaner
I’d tell more chemistry jokes, but the best ones argon.
Maybe one more…
Periodic Table
Student 1 – “Yesterday my teacher got mad and threw Sodium Chloride at me!”
Student 2 – “You should report them, that’s a salt!”